Type B Mama Confessions: Failure

18 Mar

Do you ever have one of those days? I had one earlier this week. It was a pretty normal day: messes, cooking, cleaning, wrangling kiddos. My energy had faded and I was exhausted. Steven came home and had all of this motivation and pep which was awesome (and kind of annoying at the same time). He decided to go upstairs to Linden’s room and organize his big bookcase. I followed him upstairs and while nursing Linden, watched as Steven happily rearranged and organized the shelves. He was so proud and excited to be doing something productive. I watched and slowly  this anger crept over me. I have been wanting to organize that shelf for weeks. I tried to brush that feeling away. Was I jealous? Angry? Frustrated? I couldn’t stand to just sit there  so I walked out of the room totally upset and went to start dinner. I made it half way through chopping tomatoes when I lost it and went to sit outside on the back-porch steps. Tears were gushing down my face and I was just sobbing.

It was raining and gray outside and the sun had just set. My raised bed garden stared back at me with all of it’s dead plants and winter weeds. I looked down at my self wearing yoga pants and a hoodie, still unshowered and hair a big mess. All of the little things just added up and were pelting me like stones. That voice was on repeat in my head saying, “you are such a failure!” I have heard that voice many times before. That same voice that says, “You are not worthy! You will never be good enough.” I conversed with myself about what I was really feeling. I tried to figure it out. How could I be ANGRY with Steven for doing something helpful? Most wives would love a man that wants to help. I have felt that way before; a mixture of guilt and thankfulness. I am so thankful for the times he goes above and beyond to help me when he sees that I need it. But I also feel guilty, as if I am not doing enough and am failing so he needs to step in. Ridiculous, right?!

So, I sifted through more of those thoughts, trying to pinpoint what I was really feeling. I find that anger is usually just a mask for other things in my heart. The voice said it once more, “you are a failure!” I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran to my raised bed full of dead plants I had neglected to pull. I was supposed to have cleaned them out after the harvest and instead just let them wilt and rot all winter long. I say every day, “when it is nice and I get a chance I will go out there and clean it out.”  And there it was just mocking me in my moment of frustration. One more thing on my list of To Do’s. One more thing I don’t have time for, but desperately WANT/NEED to do.

In the evening rain with tears on my face, I pulled those darn weeds.

Steven came looking for me. He had no clue I was upset. I just ignored him and coldly responded that I needed a moment. When I came inside he prodded and the tears began again and I melted. “I feel like a failure! All of the things I want to do pile up and all of the things I ought to do are difficult enough to accomplish!” I told him how I felt as if I cannot measure up to the standard I believe I should be holding and that some times when he helps me, it feels like he is saying that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. Even though I know he isn’t saying that at all. In fact he felt terrible, which was not my intention, and he expressed how grateful he is for everything I do and never judges me for those things I leave undone.  I reassured him that I love when he takes initiative and does little things that make life easier. It wasn’t him. It was me.

Somedays, it is all I can do to wash a sink full of dishes and keep our son from dying! Some days I feel like Super Woman.  I know I am not alone in that! I know we all feel that life is running away from us and the 24 hours we are blessed with is not enough. And somedays those LIES that are whispered into our thoughts, that we are failures and not good enough turn into screams and we believe them.

I learned a long time ago that those messages are not true. I learned to sift my thoughts and test them and compare them to what is true and who God says that I am. I know those negative thoughts are meant to discourage me from rejoicing in my purpose and calling in this role of wife and mother. But we all have those days when we forget the truth. We try to carry the weight of the world on our own shoulders instead of leaning on Jesus.

Matthew 11 “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Ephesians tells us the truth of who we are! We are blessed with every spiritual blessing, we are chosen, predestined as sons and daughters of the King! We are redeemed, forgiven and sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise. Those life giving words are so contrary to the thoughts that sometimes prevail.

So I guess that is my confession this week… sometimes I forget the truth and listen to the lies and have complete break downs when it all just feels like too much. Do you ever feel like a failure? What verses serve as sweet reminders to you? 🙂

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3 Responses to “Type B Mama Confessions: Failure”

  1. Karen F March 18, 2013 at 3:26 pm #

    Here’s a good one i’ve been struck by lately:

    1 John 3:20
    If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

    One of the best truths I heard once was that we need to give God our sin, our triumphs, and our failures. That was so freeing to begin to understand that He wants to redeem those “failures” and make us new. It is hardest sometimes to have grace for ourselves, which can turn into blame & anger. But God knows the insufficiencies we feel and wants to use them to teach us grace.

    I think this is a pretty universal struggle among women, though the contexts are unique. I definitely feel this way often, so we can pray for each other!

  2. Allison S March 18, 2013 at 3:53 pm #

    Thank-you for sharing this friend. It is something I have struggled with a lot lately, and your words and the verses you shared truly encouraged me. It amazing how the enemy wants to discourage us and tell us lies, and even more amazing that we often fall into believing those lies. God’s grace is sufficient in our weakness, and that I am thankful for on a daily basis. You are an amazing woman who I admire and love, and I will be praying for you. ❤

  3. Denise Taylor March 18, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

    As i read this tears were welling up in my eyes, as you share your weakness (which many of us women go through) I know exactly what you were feeling , as i have been there so many times. You are such an amazing daughter, wife, mother, and woman of God. The enemy comes to destroy, but remember that the enemy can’t do anything to us that doesn’t get filtered through The father first. The Lord uses our weaknesses to show us our need for him. If we were so self sufficient then we wouldn’t need him. It all comes down to our stinkin pride. God always goes to the heart of the matter first, and sometimes takes a jack hammer to get the rocks out. It hurts, but that is what draws us to Him, so that he can transform us into his image so He will be glorified. Praying for you these scriptures came to me.

    Isa 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

    Paul said it all…..
    2Co 12:5 Of such a one will I glory: yet of myself I will not glory, but in mine infirmities.
    2Co 12:6 For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me.
    2Co 12:7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
    2Co 12:8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
    2Co 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
    2Co 12:10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in
    persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

    I Love you my beautiful daughter, may The Lord of all comfort, comfort you when you have a hard day.

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