Archive | Confessions RSS feed for this section

Type (B) Mama Confessions: Friendship

21 Nov

Sneezes and a tiny knock on my bedroom door woke me up before 5 am. A sick kid wanted his mama for the second time in a matter of hours. After helping him get comfortable, I laid back down to return to sleep. Of course anything after 5 am and my mind switches ON. I struggled to fall back asleep and resigned to sneak down stairs. My heart and mind have been heavy lately. There is just so much going on. Tragedies, bigotry, politics… This post could comment on any number of these worldwide events but at this moment, it isn’t the heaviest thought running through me. Friendship….. that is what’s preventing me from falling back to sleep this morning.

It starts out so easy. As kids, you could enter a playground, look for other kids your age, ask them to play and even if you never see them again, you had a friend for the time you needed one. As you get older things change. I remember the first time I was hurt in a friendship. I was in 4th grade and I hung out mostly with these 3 other girls. The 4 of us were all close, but I was best friends with one in particular. I started noticing her and one of the other girls drifting together more often and choosing one another. Then the tragic day occurred, when my bestie decided to tell me that I was no longer her number one. I was still her “BFF” but that friend number 2 was now her “BBFF” that stands for “best, best friend forever.” I was ousted! Shortly after, my family moved and I think it taught me a bad pattern for friendship because we ended up moving  a bunch more times after and I left behind quite a few best friends in the process.  I started building walls, as a 9 year old girl. Truth be told, I probably built up walls before that but I think that’s when I recognized it.

Fast forward a few more years, and 6 schools later. I had 6 more best friends. I was hurt by a few and I’m sure my moving also hurt some of them. My best friend going into high school was a girl that everyone loved. She was gorgeous and had a boyfriend and I was the chubby sidekick. There was some hinky stuff going on with that guy and it gets super complicated but in the wreckage of all of that, I was left behind.  I spent the latter half of freshman year alone and hanging out with a group of “plan B friends.” That sounds harsh, but we all have them! In this group of girls I was only really friends with one of them and she ushered me into the group. I didn’t have anything in common with the other girls but I tried to find a new best friend in her anyway. Then, we moved again. But this time, I was starting a new high school without knowing a soul.

I ended up making a wonderful best friend and we were like sisters for a few years. It was me that hurt her this time, when I went off to college and made new friends, I kind of let our friendship fizzle and fade over time.  But like I said, I learned this life pattern of hardening my heart and moving on. And that may not be entirely fair either, we were both growing in different directions with our own goals and they just happened to not line up. But I was probably more calloused about it, as I reflect now.

College of course brought new challenges. I made best friends and then graduated. As adults now, things are different. Graduating college ushers in the new era of Adult friendships! Friends get married, have children, work full time jobs, move far away…Priorities are just different. So while it was not ONE thing particularly, most of my college friendships and myself, just changed. I adore those women with all of my heart. But in the day to day, they aren’t my best friends anymore. In my heart they are! But practically, it has been almost a decade since college ended and a few visits or conversations here or there,  does not a best friend make.

So, Now I am married to a man that is my best friend that I have 2 wild children with. I love that he is my best friend, but I still long for that sisterly connection. I only have brothers so I have always had to outsource a sister. And recently it has been a tough few months. I have had my feelings hurt, felt left out and forgotten, moved (yet again) and been essentially friend dumped. None of this by any one person or “best friend” just various women pals who, I’m sure, never intended to hurt me. It is probably a lot of my own doing. I am less “available” than some, I live further, I am an introvert with awkward social skills and 2 kids that are stubborn wild things that not everyone can handle. My husband keeps pointing out that I’m investing in friendships that are just not the right ones. It really is like dating. You get invested and it turns out she’s not Mrs. Right!

I have been trying to be vulnerable and not let recent stinging arrows prevent me from continuing my search for a best friend. I am in a place in my life where I see how valuable and sacred a best friend is. I took them for granted in my life, assuming I would just make new friends again.  I don’t have the luxury of youthful easy relationships anymore. My time is now divided between my husband and children but I’d love to share some of this life with a best friend in similar circumstances.

FullSizeRender

This has made me look at my children too. I was thinking about planning Lilah’s 2nd birthday party when I realized she doesn’t even have any friends! There aren’t many girls her age in her life. And as I think about Linden, we are seeing that those playdate pals are forming their own preferences and best friends now and he isn’t it. Like me, he is being ousted for better “BBFF’s.”  He is pretty clueless of this fact currently, but I see it. And I hope I can protect his heart from that same hurt I’ve experienced, to some extent. I believe that starts with my example. I need to have solid friendships in my life to model that for my kids.

So this isn’t a pity post. Or an online advertisement for a friend. This is just me sorting out emotions and finding threads that tie together. I’ve been hurt, betrayed, back stabbed, and talked about by other women. But I’ve also abandoned and hurt some friends myself. I hope to grow in this area and not build higher walls to “protect” my heart. I hope to find my tribe or my one kindred spirit.  I know I’m not alone and that many of you have similar struggles in the friend department. I pray that we all find our “bosom friends” as Anne of Green Gables would say.

And I hope I look nothing like Lucy the bear from Peter Brown’s book, You Will Be My Friend! It’s funny how books you pick for your kids at the library turn out to be just what you needed to read. IMG_1927

Check it out, it’s actually a pretty cute story. 🙂

Advertisements

Type (B) Mama Confessions: Business

21 Apr

We all have that friend (or friends) who annoy the heck out of you by  pestering you to buy something from their newest network marketing business. Now, don’t get me wrong, I totally understand the reason behind it. We all would like extra money and as stay at home moms there is a desire to supplement our household income. For many, these businesses provide just that. I fully support the intention behind theses endeavors, I do. I just really dislike feeling pressured to spend money that I don’t have, to buy items that I don’t want or need. Of course, not everyone with a network marketing business is a pest. To those “non-pestery” friends, I say, ” THANK YOU!”

All of this to segway into my latest confession:

I confess that I have joined a network marketing business! EEEKK I broke my pact to myself that I’d never do it but alas, I couldn’t resist. Let me explain why I broke my pact. I have been dabbling in essential oils now for a few years but have only been a casual user. One of my goals this year was to get more into essential oils and learn a lot more about them. After enduring a brutally hard winter featuring a revolving door of illnesses for my family, I decided enough was enough. I had to do something to help my family be healthier. I also recently learned of what an awesome opportunity it is to be a member of the Young Living Essential Oils company. The caveat is that I really only joined to gain the wholesale discount. By joining as a member, I am entitled to purchase my oils at 24% off of the retail price. I am not required to sell products or have any monthly quota etc. It is like joining Costco! Except my membership is paid for with my purchase of oils.

So, my confession isn’t really that bad after all!

I will not be hounding all of you for oil orders and viewing my friends as contributors to my potential bottom line. But as my one act of “marketing” I am sharing this with you. If you desire to learn more about Young Living Essential Oils and would like to purchase them through me, awesome! Or if you would like to learn more about how you can buy oils at wholesale and become a member yourself, let me know. As I said above, I am not pursuing Young Living with making a commission in mind. That is not to say I will stay silent in my love for them. I am very excited to start using essential oils consistently and reaping the benefits. When I see results, you better believe I will shout it from the roof tops and that may annoy you! I am also happy to be a resource for anyone wanting to learn with me.

YL_ID_full_color

 

To become a member sign up here.

To order Young Living products as a retail customer go here.

My Sponsor ID/Enroller ID number for either form, should you desire to credit me is 1762755.

Type (B) Mama Confessions: secret revealed

8 Jun

I have a major confession this week. We have been keeping a secret from you and I cannot keep it in.

 

big brother

We are having a new baby!

When your heart lives outside of your body

22 May

20130522-111925.jpg{ My sweet boy }

It was 5 am on Sunday morning that Linden woke me up crying in his room. I found him shivering but he was burning up. He had a fever of 101.2 axillary. The rule of thumb is to add .5-1 degree to an armpit temperature so he was about 102. I applied some aloe vera gel (which is an antipyretic) to his body and used cool cloths to cool him down. He nursed and fell back asleep and his fever had cooled down. We don’t take fevers too seriously in our house because we know it is the bodies way of fighting an illness. I usually just try to lower it a bit and make him comfortable. When he woke for the day at 8:30 his temperature was 100.6 which is maybe 101. It was a good sign that it was decreasing. I gave him a bath and then we went downstairs and ate breakfast. He devoured his morning banana just like he does everyday. I could tell he didn’t feel very well, he had a little cough and a little clear snotty nose. We mostly snuggled reading books and watching Curious George. I even soaked some of his socks in apple cider vinegar and put those on his feet. Apple cider vinegar on the feet can help draw a fever down from the head. It worked well because just to the touch his skin was all over more heat balanced. He even got up and played in the living room for awhile.

At lunch time he barely ate a thing which is normal if you are sick, I suppose.  It is not like our Linden to NOT eat though. This kid is a garbage disposal when it comes to food. I took him upstairs to change him and noticed he had some diarrhea and it caused his tush to be a little bit red and blotchy. Steven had been outside all morning mowing the lawn and weed whacking so I though it would be a nice time to allow Linden to lay outside for some naked air time. I got a blanket and brought it out back. Linden was just wearing a t-shirt and was enjoying the partly cloudy day and the fresh air. He was being goofy and playful, felt cooler to the touch. He seemed much better!  Steven was just about finished picking up from his yard work when I decided to rub some coconut oil on Linden’s tush. I laid him down on the blanket and applied the oil and when I finished he started to sit up. Then he fell back down.

I thought he must have just lost his momentum, so I tried to grab his hands to help him up and his face changed. His eyes started rolling back into his head. His teeth were chattering. His body was limp and jerking all over the place. My heart dropped as I realized he was having a seizure. I knew in the back of my mind it was most likely a febrile seizure. I had one as a toddler and grew up with stories from my mother about that terrifying day. As I said above, we don’t take fevers all that seriously. The same is true with febrile seizures, I know they are just a way for the body to “reboot” and cool down. The difference is understanding those things on a logical, rational level and experiencing them first hand as your child is convulsing on the ground beneath you and utterly unresponsive.

I screamed to Steven, “call 911!” As I actually dialed it and handed him the phone. All I could do was watch him jerking around and cry. I cried out to the Lord for help, I cried to Linden to wake up, and I just plain cried! I looked around yelling, “where are they?!” It seemed like an eternity, but actually only took 2 minutes for the ambulance to be at our house and the EMT’s to be in our back yard. We actually live 7 blocks from the nearest E.R. I can see the hospital if I stand on the sidewalk in front of our home.

When the EMT’s arrived, I was actually upset that they weren’t doing more! I know they were doing their job and assessing the situation. But I was in full irrational Mama bear mode. I just wanted them to “fix” everything. One man took me aside to answer questions while the other checked Linden’s heart rate. They had me carry Linden to the ambulance and hold him while sitting on the stretcher to the E.R. They wheeled us into our room where we switched beds.

Steven followed behind in his car and met us in our room a few minutes later. When Steven got there I realized I was still cooking rice for Linden on the stove! He had to run back home and turn off the stove. The E.R. nurses took Linden’s temperature rectally when we arrived and it was 104.6! His fever had just skyrocketed out of nowhere! The beginning of the E.R. visit is such a blur but eventually Linden was weighed and given a dose of Tylenol. They pricked his foot twice (thank you nurse in training) to test his blood sugar and hooked him up to the heart monitor. All of this time he was still totally spaced out. He was awake but confused, angry, fussy and wouldn’t make direct eye contact. It is so sad to say your son’s name and not have him look at you! His eyes just glazed over and pointed down and off to the side. He got very angry when anyone tried to make him lie down. He just sat bolt up right stubbornly for a good hour before he started to doze off from the Tylenol.

er3

{ Here he is sitting up, fussy and dazed 😦  }

The rest of the time was a crazy hubbub of IV’s, blood work, urine bags, chest x-rays, and waiting, waiting, waiting.  The waiting was terrible. We arrived in the E.R. around 2:15 and were released around 10:30 in the evening. The last three hours were the hardest of the waiting game because by then Linden had turned the corner and was himself again. He had doses of Motrin and Tylenol along with fluid IV’s which did their job. Toddler’s are not easy to keep still in a hospital bed hooked up to wires and tubes. He kept saying, “done!?”  Around 9PM the nurse gave him an IV dose of antibiotics which took 30 minutes to pass into his system. When the Dr. returned, he told us he was sorry for the extra delay but that the urine sample he was waiting for had apparently been lost for a bit and when they found it later, it had been sent to the other hospital lab! If that hadn’t happened we could have left probably 3 hours sooner.

er2

{ Here he is more himself and using the remote as a phone. “Hehyo!” }

er

{ Trying to entertain him and prevent him from pulling out his IV }

We stopped by the drug store on the way home to pick up some infant Motrin, which they recommended because it is longer acting. He had a a normal temperature but that was probably due to the meds so we did give him a dose before bed. In the morning his fever was gone. We had a follow up appointment with his pediatrician early that day where she went over the test results. Everything had come back normal. His white blood cell count was normal but the breakdown of his cells were very high in neutrophil cells which fight bacteria.  This confirmed that it definitely wasn’t a viral fever but looked as though his body was fighting off some sort of bacterial infection. The problem is, we still don’t know the cause. None of his tests have revealed an infection. We are still awaiting the results of one culture but that culture was to test for chicken pox which is viral anyway.

Linden is fine and dandy now. No more fever, still a little cough but 100% back to his crazy rambunctious self. I am not, however, back to my normal self. As a self proclaimed Type (B) Mama, I am generally laid back in my parenting approach. I don’t freak out about little things like my son playing in the dirt and eating food he dropped on the floor. We have a relatively casual “baby proof” home. I don’t use Purell or Clorox wipes around our house. I welcome the chance to build up my son’s immune system by not living in a super chemically sterile environment. I take fevers calmly and naturally. We don’t use meds unless it is a last resort. Generally speaking, I don’t freak out about “spilled milk” issues and use them to teach Linden discipline and independence. But these past few days, I have been super paranoid about all of these little things. If Linden stops for a minute or makes a weird movement, my heart is leaping out of my chest in worry. Sleeping through the night is no longer a joy, it ignites panic as I watch him on the monitor to ensure he is moving and not unconscious or having a seizure in his sleep while I am oblivious. I have become a helicopter mama these past few days.

On Saturday, the day before his seizure, I was JUST telling Steven how somedays being a mom is like watching your heart walk around outside of your body. So many things run through my mind that never would have before. A silly example I used was talking about how I had put a tin can of coconut milk into the recycle bin the other day. I had used the can opener and the jagged lid was really sharp and the bin was pretty full so the can kind of protruded towards the top of the bin. I placed it in, lid up and walked away. As I was going about my business, I had this vision of Linden opening the lid to the bin, which he has done before. He cut his hand on the can in my hypothetical vision and so I had to actually walk back to the bin, move the jagged can upside down and pushed it to the bottom back. Those little things that make you rethink, or redo what you would normally do “just incase” is such a new thing of parenthood. Like not leaving your coffee cup on the coffee table where the kids can spill it.

All of that to say, I have been recounting my steps during the beginning phase of Linden’s fever. Questioning my choices and second guessing my decisions. Our pediatrician told us we did everything right and that there are usually two types of fever kids. One that seizes and one that breaks. She said that half of kids will get to a high fever and it breaks on it’s own while kids prone to febrile seizing will seize. Not to say that it will happen again, plenty of kids seize once and never again but the stats suggest that once you have seized from a fever, you are more likely to again. Because I know he has seized now, and that I had also seized as a toddler, I think I will be more conservative with fevers in the future for Linden. Not that febrile seizures are a bad thing in themselves, but who wants to go through that AGAIN? Not me! It was a humbling day for sure.

To close I do need to express my thanks. I am so completely thankful for: A) being present while it occurred, B) living so insanely close to a hospital, C) God’s providence, and D) for EVERY. SINGLE. PRAYER! I remarked to Steven later how blessed we are and how grateful I am for everyone of our friends, family members, and neighbors who lifted us up in their prayers. We received so many messages and offers of food, support, and prayer. You do not even know how comforting you all were to me on a day when I was so distraught. It was such a beautiful picture of the body of Christ.

Type B Mama Confessions:Time Savers

24 Apr

As a Type (B) Mama, I am always in search of short cuts to allow me to work less. For some reason I was unaware of a wonderful tool available to me for years. I Discovered it a few months ago and am LOVING it.

photo-28

This is my washing machine on DELAY START! Handiest little tool for laundry ever. I fill it up before bed, set the delay, it washes while I sleep and everything is ready to dry when I wake up! It is almost like The Jetsons… well not quite. This tool has saved me from the wash, sit too long, re-wash cycle I have been part of for years.

What are  your little time saver secrets?

 

 

Type (B) Mama Confessions: Cleaning

28 Mar

I was talking with a dear friend the other day on the phone. During our conversation I mentioned how lately I have been trying to adhere to a self imposed daily cleaning schedule. It isn’t a very strict schedule at all. I have noticed that it has made things easier to manage our home.

Here is a copy if you are curious:


chevron schedule2

 

As a Type (B) Mama, I find that I NEED a schedule to motivate me. It is really easy for me to get overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done and I end up not doing anything at all! In my conversation with my friend I confessed my hatred for chores. She was so surprised by this. She told me she always imagined me vacuuming in pearls and joyfully scouring my home like any domestic goddess would do! After I stopped laughing, I shattered her image.

While I might actually be vacuuming in pearls, because I ALWAYS wear pearls (even in yoga pants) the joy part couldn’t be further from the truth. As much as I love cooking and doing small crafts and being a mother and homemaker, housework is the least enjoyable part for me.

I thought most people could tell this by some of my other confessions. Just to be clear to any others who may have this inaccurate impression, I HATE IT! hahaha

My question for her, a more Type (A) Mama, was do you find a schedule helps you? Or do you have an indwelling of the cleaning spirit?! She told me that there were certain areas of her home that she cannot leave undone without it driving her mad. Unlike me, she cannot leave a dish left unwashed in her sink. She must always do a house reset and can’t stop herself from constantly picking up her toddler’s toys, even though she knows they will be scattered immediately after. There were a few more chores that she felt compelled to complete daily but she didn’t find that she needed a schedule to maintain her home.

I wish that were me! I have absolutely no chore that I NEED to get done or else I cannot sleep. I have no O.C.D cleaning urges at all. I do them out of duty, love for my family, pride in my home and glory to God.

Of course I love a clean home. I would not be content living in a huge mess. I just have no qualms about leaving dishes undone, not mopping for weeks, and living out of a laundry hamper because I don’t feel like hanging up all of my laundry. SO for me, I find a cleaning schedule gives me direction. It motivates me to perform the duties laid out for the day in a manageable dose. It allows me some flexibility as well, if I just cannot accomplish the day’s task, I can swap days.

This schedule that I created is what works for me. I don’t adhere to it 100% of the time but I notice the more consistent I am, the easier it is to maintain our home. When I miss days things start to pile up and overwhelm me again. That’s when I invite company over to spur me into a cleaning frenzy!

Do you have chores that you feel compelled to do, no matter what? Or are you more like me? Do you follow a schedule or is your internal clean freak all that you need? 🙂

 

Type B Mama Confessions: Failure

18 Mar

Do you ever have one of those days? I had one earlier this week. It was a pretty normal day: messes, cooking, cleaning, wrangling kiddos. My energy had faded and I was exhausted. Steven came home and had all of this motivation and pep which was awesome (and kind of annoying at the same time). He decided to go upstairs to Linden’s room and organize his big bookcase. I followed him upstairs and while nursing Linden, watched as Steven happily rearranged and organized the shelves. He was so proud and excited to be doing something productive. I watched and slowly  this anger crept over me. I have been wanting to organize that shelf for weeks. I tried to brush that feeling away. Was I jealous? Angry? Frustrated? I couldn’t stand to just sit there  so I walked out of the room totally upset and went to start dinner. I made it half way through chopping tomatoes when I lost it and went to sit outside on the back-porch steps. Tears were gushing down my face and I was just sobbing.

It was raining and gray outside and the sun had just set. My raised bed garden stared back at me with all of it’s dead plants and winter weeds. I looked down at my self wearing yoga pants and a hoodie, still unshowered and hair a big mess. All of the little things just added up and were pelting me like stones. That voice was on repeat in my head saying, “you are such a failure!” I have heard that voice many times before. That same voice that says, “You are not worthy! You will never be good enough.” I conversed with myself about what I was really feeling. I tried to figure it out. How could I be ANGRY with Steven for doing something helpful? Most wives would love a man that wants to help. I have felt that way before; a mixture of guilt and thankfulness. I am so thankful for the times he goes above and beyond to help me when he sees that I need it. But I also feel guilty, as if I am not doing enough and am failing so he needs to step in. Ridiculous, right?!

So, I sifted through more of those thoughts, trying to pinpoint what I was really feeling. I find that anger is usually just a mask for other things in my heart. The voice said it once more, “you are a failure!” I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran to my raised bed full of dead plants I had neglected to pull. I was supposed to have cleaned them out after the harvest and instead just let them wilt and rot all winter long. I say every day, “when it is nice and I get a chance I will go out there and clean it out.”  And there it was just mocking me in my moment of frustration. One more thing on my list of To Do’s. One more thing I don’t have time for, but desperately WANT/NEED to do.

In the evening rain with tears on my face, I pulled those darn weeds.

Steven came looking for me. He had no clue I was upset. I just ignored him and coldly responded that I needed a moment. When I came inside he prodded and the tears began again and I melted. “I feel like a failure! All of the things I want to do pile up and all of the things I ought to do are difficult enough to accomplish!” I told him how I felt as if I cannot measure up to the standard I believe I should be holding and that some times when he helps me, it feels like he is saying that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. Even though I know he isn’t saying that at all. In fact he felt terrible, which was not my intention, and he expressed how grateful he is for everything I do and never judges me for those things I leave undone.  I reassured him that I love when he takes initiative and does little things that make life easier. It wasn’t him. It was me.

Somedays, it is all I can do to wash a sink full of dishes and keep our son from dying! Some days I feel like Super Woman.  I know I am not alone in that! I know we all feel that life is running away from us and the 24 hours we are blessed with is not enough. And somedays those LIES that are whispered into our thoughts, that we are failures and not good enough turn into screams and we believe them.

I learned a long time ago that those messages are not true. I learned to sift my thoughts and test them and compare them to what is true and who God says that I am. I know those negative thoughts are meant to discourage me from rejoicing in my purpose and calling in this role of wife and mother. But we all have those days when we forget the truth. We try to carry the weight of the world on our own shoulders instead of leaning on Jesus.

Matthew 11 “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Ephesians tells us the truth of who we are! We are blessed with every spiritual blessing, we are chosen, predestined as sons and daughters of the King! We are redeemed, forgiven and sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise. Those life giving words are so contrary to the thoughts that sometimes prevail.

So I guess that is my confession this week… sometimes I forget the truth and listen to the lies and have complete break downs when it all just feels like too much. Do you ever feel like a failure? What verses serve as sweet reminders to you? 🙂

Learning Through Grace

Learning how to be a Godly wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend through everyday life.

cyle talley

writer | noise maker | prevaricator

Krysann Joye

Through tiny people's tantrums, quotidian duties, marriage, grief, and way too much Netflix, there is Beauty with a big B. It's fragrant, it's healing, it's distinct. This is how I gather bouquets of thorny, wild Light - still covered in dirt and probably a few stinging bugs. It's a bit messy here, but I'm honored to have you and I hope you find some of the Good Stuff.

Morache Life

through story & image

The Fit Twin

| foundations for a healthier you |

Pasttheoutercourts's Blog

Just another WordPress.com site

The Provision Room

A place where two friends blog their journey of preparing their homes, pantries and gardens.

bearingthestormbytheson

Chronicles of learning to walk by faith

@dieffs

clean eating + fitness. it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change.

Passionate Homemaking

Living simply & sustainably in order to give generously

The Beth Anne Blog

It's really my "personal" journal that, for some reason, I share with complete strangers. I'm weird like that.