Tag Archives: confessions

Type (B) Mama Confessions: Friendship

21 Nov

Sneezes and a tiny knock on my bedroom door woke me up before 5 am. A sick kid wanted his mama for the second time in a matter of hours. After helping him get comfortable, I laid back down to return to sleep. Of course anything after 5 am and my mind switches ON. I struggled to fall back asleep and resigned to sneak down stairs. My heart and mind have been heavy lately. There is just so much going on. Tragedies, bigotry, politics… This post could comment on any number of these worldwide events but at this moment, it isn’t the heaviest thought running through me. Friendship….. that is what’s preventing me from falling back to sleep this morning.

It starts out so easy. As kids, you could enter a playground, look for other kids your age, ask them to play and even if you never see them again, you had a friend for the time you needed one. As you get older things change. I remember the first time I was hurt in a friendship. I was in 4th grade and I hung out mostly with these 3 other girls. The 4 of us were all close, but I was best friends with one in particular. I started noticing her and one of the other girls drifting together more often and choosing one another. Then the tragic day occurred, when my bestie decided to tell me that I was no longer her number one. I was still her “BFF” but that friend number 2 was now her “BBFF” that stands for “best, best friend forever.” I was ousted! Shortly after, my family moved and I think it taught me a bad pattern for friendship because we ended up moving  a bunch more times after and I left behind quite a few best friends in the process.  I started building walls, as a 9 year old girl. Truth be told, I probably built up walls before that but I think that’s when I recognized it.

Fast forward a few more years, and 6 schools later. I had 6 more best friends. I was hurt by a few and I’m sure my moving also hurt some of them. My best friend going into high school was a girl that everyone loved. She was gorgeous and had a boyfriend and I was the chubby sidekick. There was some hinky stuff going on with that guy and it gets super complicated but in the wreckage of all of that, I was left behind.  I spent the latter half of freshman year alone and hanging out with a group of “plan B friends.” That sounds harsh, but we all have them! In this group of girls I was only really friends with one of them and she ushered me into the group. I didn’t have anything in common with the other girls but I tried to find a new best friend in her anyway. Then, we moved again. But this time, I was starting a new high school without knowing a soul.

I ended up making a wonderful best friend and we were like sisters for a few years. It was me that hurt her this time, when I went off to college and made new friends, I kind of let our friendship fizzle and fade over time.  But like I said, I learned this life pattern of hardening my heart and moving on. And that may not be entirely fair either, we were both growing in different directions with our own goals and they just happened to not line up. But I was probably more calloused about it, as I reflect now.

College of course brought new challenges. I made best friends and then graduated. As adults now, things are different. Graduating college ushers in the new era of Adult friendships! Friends get married, have children, work full time jobs, move far away…Priorities are just different. So while it was not ONE thing particularly, most of my college friendships and myself, just changed. I adore those women with all of my heart. But in the day to day, they aren’t my best friends anymore. In my heart they are! But practically, it has been almost a decade since college ended and a few visits or conversations here or there,  does not a best friend make.

So, Now I am married to a man that is my best friend that I have 2 wild children with. I love that he is my best friend, but I still long for that sisterly connection. I only have brothers so I have always had to outsource a sister. And recently it has been a tough few months. I have had my feelings hurt, felt left out and forgotten, moved (yet again) and been essentially friend dumped. None of this by any one person or “best friend” just various women pals who, I’m sure, never intended to hurt me. It is probably a lot of my own doing. I am less “available” than some, I live further, I am an introvert with awkward social skills and 2 kids that are stubborn wild things that not everyone can handle. My husband keeps pointing out that I’m investing in friendships that are just not the right ones. It really is like dating. You get invested and it turns out she’s not Mrs. Right!

I have been trying to be vulnerable and not let recent stinging arrows prevent me from continuing my search for a best friend. I am in a place in my life where I see how valuable and sacred a best friend is. I took them for granted in my life, assuming I would just make new friends again.  I don’t have the luxury of youthful easy relationships anymore. My time is now divided between my husband and children but I’d love to share some of this life with a best friend in similar circumstances.

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This has made me look at my children too. I was thinking about planning Lilah’s 2nd birthday party when I realized she doesn’t even have any friends! There aren’t many girls her age in her life. And as I think about Linden, we are seeing that those playdate pals are forming their own preferences and best friends now and he isn’t it. Like me, he is being ousted for better “BBFF’s.”  He is pretty clueless of this fact currently, but I see it. And I hope I can protect his heart from that same hurt I’ve experienced, to some extent. I believe that starts with my example. I need to have solid friendships in my life to model that for my kids.

So this isn’t a pity post. Or an online advertisement for a friend. This is just me sorting out emotions and finding threads that tie together. I’ve been hurt, betrayed, back stabbed, and talked about by other women. But I’ve also abandoned and hurt some friends myself. I hope to grow in this area and not build higher walls to “protect” my heart. I hope to find my tribe or my one kindred spirit.  I know I’m not alone and that many of you have similar struggles in the friend department. I pray that we all find our “bosom friends” as Anne of Green Gables would say.

And I hope I look nothing like Lucy the bear from Peter Brown’s book, You Will Be My Friend! It’s funny how books you pick for your kids at the library turn out to be just what you needed to read. IMG_1927

Check it out, it’s actually a pretty cute story. 🙂

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Type (B) Mama Confessions: Business

21 Apr

We all have that friend (or friends) who annoy the heck out of you by  pestering you to buy something from their newest network marketing business. Now, don’t get me wrong, I totally understand the reason behind it. We all would like extra money and as stay at home moms there is a desire to supplement our household income. For many, these businesses provide just that. I fully support the intention behind theses endeavors, I do. I just really dislike feeling pressured to spend money that I don’t have, to buy items that I don’t want or need. Of course, not everyone with a network marketing business is a pest. To those “non-pestery” friends, I say, ” THANK YOU!”

All of this to segway into my latest confession:

I confess that I have joined a network marketing business! EEEKK I broke my pact to myself that I’d never do it but alas, I couldn’t resist. Let me explain why I broke my pact. I have been dabbling in essential oils now for a few years but have only been a casual user. One of my goals this year was to get more into essential oils and learn a lot more about them. After enduring a brutally hard winter featuring a revolving door of illnesses for my family, I decided enough was enough. I had to do something to help my family be healthier. I also recently learned of what an awesome opportunity it is to be a member of the Young Living Essential Oils company. The caveat is that I really only joined to gain the wholesale discount. By joining as a member, I am entitled to purchase my oils at 24% off of the retail price. I am not required to sell products or have any monthly quota etc. It is like joining Costco! Except my membership is paid for with my purchase of oils.

So, my confession isn’t really that bad after all!

I will not be hounding all of you for oil orders and viewing my friends as contributors to my potential bottom line. But as my one act of “marketing” I am sharing this with you. If you desire to learn more about Young Living Essential Oils and would like to purchase them through me, awesome! Or if you would like to learn more about how you can buy oils at wholesale and become a member yourself, let me know. As I said above, I am not pursuing Young Living with making a commission in mind. That is not to say I will stay silent in my love for them. I am very excited to start using essential oils consistently and reaping the benefits. When I see results, you better believe I will shout it from the roof tops and that may annoy you! I am also happy to be a resource for anyone wanting to learn with me.

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To become a member sign up here.

To order Young Living products as a retail customer go here.

My Sponsor ID/Enroller ID number for either form, should you desire to credit me is 1762755.

Type (B) Mama Confessions: secret revealed

8 Jun

I have a major confession this week. We have been keeping a secret from you and I cannot keep it in.

 

big brother

We are having a new baby!

Type B Mama Confessions:Time Savers

24 Apr

As a Type (B) Mama, I am always in search of short cuts to allow me to work less. For some reason I was unaware of a wonderful tool available to me for years. I Discovered it a few months ago and am LOVING it.

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This is my washing machine on DELAY START! Handiest little tool for laundry ever. I fill it up before bed, set the delay, it washes while I sleep and everything is ready to dry when I wake up! It is almost like The Jetsons… well not quite. This tool has saved me from the wash, sit too long, re-wash cycle I have been part of for years.

What are  your little time saver secrets?

 

 

Type (B) Mama Confessions: Cleaning

28 Mar

I was talking with a dear friend the other day on the phone. During our conversation I mentioned how lately I have been trying to adhere to a self imposed daily cleaning schedule. It isn’t a very strict schedule at all. I have noticed that it has made things easier to manage our home.

Here is a copy if you are curious:


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As a Type (B) Mama, I find that I NEED a schedule to motivate me. It is really easy for me to get overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done and I end up not doing anything at all! In my conversation with my friend I confessed my hatred for chores. She was so surprised by this. She told me she always imagined me vacuuming in pearls and joyfully scouring my home like any domestic goddess would do! After I stopped laughing, I shattered her image.

While I might actually be vacuuming in pearls, because I ALWAYS wear pearls (even in yoga pants) the joy part couldn’t be further from the truth. As much as I love cooking and doing small crafts and being a mother and homemaker, housework is the least enjoyable part for me.

I thought most people could tell this by some of my other confessions. Just to be clear to any others who may have this inaccurate impression, I HATE IT! hahaha

My question for her, a more Type (A) Mama, was do you find a schedule helps you? Or do you have an indwelling of the cleaning spirit?! She told me that there were certain areas of her home that she cannot leave undone without it driving her mad. Unlike me, she cannot leave a dish left unwashed in her sink. She must always do a house reset and can’t stop herself from constantly picking up her toddler’s toys, even though she knows they will be scattered immediately after. There were a few more chores that she felt compelled to complete daily but she didn’t find that she needed a schedule to maintain her home.

I wish that were me! I have absolutely no chore that I NEED to get done or else I cannot sleep. I have no O.C.D cleaning urges at all. I do them out of duty, love for my family, pride in my home and glory to God.

Of course I love a clean home. I would not be content living in a huge mess. I just have no qualms about leaving dishes undone, not mopping for weeks, and living out of a laundry hamper because I don’t feel like hanging up all of my laundry. SO for me, I find a cleaning schedule gives me direction. It motivates me to perform the duties laid out for the day in a manageable dose. It allows me some flexibility as well, if I just cannot accomplish the day’s task, I can swap days.

This schedule that I created is what works for me. I don’t adhere to it 100% of the time but I notice the more consistent I am, the easier it is to maintain our home. When I miss days things start to pile up and overwhelm me again. That’s when I invite company over to spur me into a cleaning frenzy!

Do you have chores that you feel compelled to do, no matter what? Or are you more like me? Do you follow a schedule or is your internal clean freak all that you need? 🙂

 

Type B Mama Confessions: Failure

18 Mar

Do you ever have one of those days? I had one earlier this week. It was a pretty normal day: messes, cooking, cleaning, wrangling kiddos. My energy had faded and I was exhausted. Steven came home and had all of this motivation and pep which was awesome (and kind of annoying at the same time). He decided to go upstairs to Linden’s room and organize his big bookcase. I followed him upstairs and while nursing Linden, watched as Steven happily rearranged and organized the shelves. He was so proud and excited to be doing something productive. I watched and slowly  this anger crept over me. I have been wanting to organize that shelf for weeks. I tried to brush that feeling away. Was I jealous? Angry? Frustrated? I couldn’t stand to just sit there  so I walked out of the room totally upset and went to start dinner. I made it half way through chopping tomatoes when I lost it and went to sit outside on the back-porch steps. Tears were gushing down my face and I was just sobbing.

It was raining and gray outside and the sun had just set. My raised bed garden stared back at me with all of it’s dead plants and winter weeds. I looked down at my self wearing yoga pants and a hoodie, still unshowered and hair a big mess. All of the little things just added up and were pelting me like stones. That voice was on repeat in my head saying, “you are such a failure!” I have heard that voice many times before. That same voice that says, “You are not worthy! You will never be good enough.” I conversed with myself about what I was really feeling. I tried to figure it out. How could I be ANGRY with Steven for doing something helpful? Most wives would love a man that wants to help. I have felt that way before; a mixture of guilt and thankfulness. I am so thankful for the times he goes above and beyond to help me when he sees that I need it. But I also feel guilty, as if I am not doing enough and am failing so he needs to step in. Ridiculous, right?!

So, I sifted through more of those thoughts, trying to pinpoint what I was really feeling. I find that anger is usually just a mask for other things in my heart. The voice said it once more, “you are a failure!” I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran to my raised bed full of dead plants I had neglected to pull. I was supposed to have cleaned them out after the harvest and instead just let them wilt and rot all winter long. I say every day, “when it is nice and I get a chance I will go out there and clean it out.”  And there it was just mocking me in my moment of frustration. One more thing on my list of To Do’s. One more thing I don’t have time for, but desperately WANT/NEED to do.

In the evening rain with tears on my face, I pulled those darn weeds.

Steven came looking for me. He had no clue I was upset. I just ignored him and coldly responded that I needed a moment. When I came inside he prodded and the tears began again and I melted. “I feel like a failure! All of the things I want to do pile up and all of the things I ought to do are difficult enough to accomplish!” I told him how I felt as if I cannot measure up to the standard I believe I should be holding and that some times when he helps me, it feels like he is saying that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. Even though I know he isn’t saying that at all. In fact he felt terrible, which was not my intention, and he expressed how grateful he is for everything I do and never judges me for those things I leave undone.  I reassured him that I love when he takes initiative and does little things that make life easier. It wasn’t him. It was me.

Somedays, it is all I can do to wash a sink full of dishes and keep our son from dying! Some days I feel like Super Woman.  I know I am not alone in that! I know we all feel that life is running away from us and the 24 hours we are blessed with is not enough. And somedays those LIES that are whispered into our thoughts, that we are failures and not good enough turn into screams and we believe them.

I learned a long time ago that those messages are not true. I learned to sift my thoughts and test them and compare them to what is true and who God says that I am. I know those negative thoughts are meant to discourage me from rejoicing in my purpose and calling in this role of wife and mother. But we all have those days when we forget the truth. We try to carry the weight of the world on our own shoulders instead of leaning on Jesus.

Matthew 11 “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Ephesians tells us the truth of who we are! We are blessed with every spiritual blessing, we are chosen, predestined as sons and daughters of the King! We are redeemed, forgiven and sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise. Those life giving words are so contrary to the thoughts that sometimes prevail.

So I guess that is my confession this week… sometimes I forget the truth and listen to the lies and have complete break downs when it all just feels like too much. Do you ever feel like a failure? What verses serve as sweet reminders to you? 🙂

Type B Mama Confessions: Partiality

5 Mar

This post has nothing to do with being Type B. It has to do with being a mama and a Christian one at that.

Saturday mornings are my favorite. It is the only day not tainted by “tomorrow”! The weekdays are all full of their own issues. Sunday always has obligations and is darkened by the evil Monday. Saturday, however, is perfectly untouched by anything. I have my husband home and apart from various chores or events planned, it is a day of freedom.

This last Saturday my boys and I enjoyed this freedom. We cuddled in bed as a family, had a glorious breakfast of spinach and cheese omelets and roasted red potatoes, and decided to go for a walk. It was the first Saturday morning in awhile that was actually sunny. Freshly brewed french press coffee in hand, we embarked on our family stroll.

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Our home is half way between two different neighborhood parks. One is north and one is south. This day we decided to head to the park south of our home. We live in a very interesting neighborhood… We are one block east and 2 blocks south of where the “nice” neighborhood starts. In our town the neighborhoods are designated with cute little signs and you can instantly tell when you cross into the north side how much cleaner and nicer it is. We are right on the cusp. Our street has it’s share of nicer homes and yards but a few sketchy homes sprinkled around. Despite living on the  cusp, I love our home and neighborhood. It is a more historic area full of older homes, picket fences and tree lined streets.

Anyway, we headed through the neighborhood to the south park. This park has a big field of huge oak trees scattered around, a gazebo, tennis courts, swings, and the usual play structure with slides and monkey bars. Just looking at it, it seems like a great park! The problem I keep encountering is the people at this park.

On one occasion a big group of high school kids, who were obviously skipping school, were sitting on the benches next to the playground. The smoking and loud vulgar speech became so annoying to me, I repeatedly asked them to please watch their language next to my baby. On a different park trip, I witnessed a drug deal between two teen boys happen 3 feet from where I stood pushing Linden on the swings.

This last Saturday, there were two older men who had open suitcases with clothes and junk strewn about. They were smoking and by their slurred speech sounded drunk. They had a female friend with them. She was sitting on the top of the slides smoking as well. These men appeared to be homeless or transient. Again the language turned unsavory and I felt like my body was on fire from frustration. I ignored it and tried to allow for a fun time at the park. Linden could care less about anyone else at this stage and just ran around in pure joy.

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We chose to ignore what was going on and had a fun time. Inside though, a battle was ensuing. My feelings of frustration, entitlement and self righteous anger battled against God’s word that was on repeat in my mind:

James 2 “My brethren, do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality. For if there should come into your assembly a man with gold rings, in fine apparel, and there should also come in a poor man in filthy clothes, and you pay attention to the one wearing the fine clothes and say to him, “You sit here in a good place,” and say to the poor man, “You stand there,” or, “Sit here at my footstool,” have you not shown partiality among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts?

Listen, my beloved brethren: Has God not chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him? But you have dishonored the poor man. Do not the rich oppress you and drag you into the courts? Do they not blaspheme that noble name by which you are called?

If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture,“You shall love your neighbor as yourself,”[a] you do well;but if you show partiality, you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors. 10 For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all. 11 For He who said, “Do not commit adultery,”[b] also said, “Do not murder.”[c] Now if you do not commit adultery, but you do murder, you have become a transgressor of the law. 12 So speak and so do as those who will be judged by the law of liberty. 13 For judgment is without mercy to the one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.”

My spirit battled with my flesh this Saturday. I wanted so much to just have a nice time at the park. To not be reminded of suffering, sin, addiction, mental illness and whatever else is conjured up when in the presence of those “lesser” members of society. I wanted perfection. I wanted to go to the park and not have to worry about what these people might say or do in the presence of my baby boy!

Yesterday, I took the kids to play at the north park. It’s not as big of a park and only has a small play structure. It is cleaner though and the people are more “normal” and courteous. There were even some teen boys climbing on the structure and one spoke to the other and said, “hey don’t jump off the tower. I don’t want those little kids to think it’s safe to do that.” The contrast was astonishing! A mere 20 or so blocks from each other and such a difference.

We had a blast at the north park and yet again I was struck with that feeling of grief in my spirit. I have experienced homelessness in my own life. I have been exposed to mental illness, addiction, and poverty. I know God’s grace is available to everyone who wants it and as a person who has been transformed by that grace, I know I am called to share that. And what a perfect place to do so and with the ones who may need Him the most! Fear holds me back though. Wanting to have a safe park to play with my child and not wanting to be afraid of unstable people isn’t a bad thing, I know this. But it still feels like partiality to me. Why is it that 2o blocks can have such a difference in wealth, common courtesy, appearance, cleanliness and character? I know none of that has a bearing on one’s worthiness to Christ! But I struggle with how to handle myself in those situations.

My confession this week is that I sinned by judging those people. I assumed the worst and felt justified in my anger. I wanted them to leave and to stop distorting my plans and hopes of a picture perfect day. I chose not to show them love. I even chose to flee and go elsewhere just to avoid the discomfort. My heart was hard toward them and I wonder if they could see the ire and disgust on my face. I could have offered so much more to them; a nod, a smile, a kind word. I could have offered them Jesus but I chose not to.

How do you handle these types of situations?

How do you reconcile those things we are called to do with the sometimes harsh reality?

 

 

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